I would say I'm only posting monthly...

But since my last post was March 1st, that wouldn't be accurate either.

Well, I am going to try to start posting here more regularly. I'm sure I don't have to tell any parents out there how difficult it is to find the time to blog about parenting. When your day is consumed with work, child rearing, and the mundane chores that have to get done, well, it's easy to let navel gazing slip.

That said, I feel more and more like if I don't chronicle the changes BG is going through, and how those impact our life as a family and my life as a father, that I will never get a chance to reflect on them again. Or when I finally do, my perspective will have change too much to remember these initial thoughts.

So I'm going to try to post more regularly. I'm a man on a mission.

My Last Day

Today is my last day "off" and the last day I'm home with BG. Well, the nanny is still here, so I guess I'm not home alone.

I'm getting really nervous about going back to work. The nanny has been doing a very good job with BG this week, so I'm not too nervous about that. I mean, not any more than is to be expected. I think there will always be a certain amount of nervousness, leaving your child in the care of a person who isn't family. I'd have the same nerves if BG had to go to daycare, or hell, school. It's a mix of separation anxiety and the desire to make sure my daughter is well cared for. Go figure.

I'm also nervous about re-adjusting priorities and managing expectations at work. Yes, I was a working dad before I took my paternity leave. But having spent a month plus taking care of BG, and seeing 1) how much work it is and 2) how much attention she needs to develop well, I now have slightly re-adjusted priorities.

I've always been a bit of a workaholic, I've always been a "dedicated" employee... but that's changing. It's not that I don't do a good job--I think I do. And it's not that I'm not "dedicated"... I am. But before I we had BG, I would sometimes work into the evening, or even over a weekend. Not so much anymore. These days, my evenings and weekends are for my family, and frankly, if they don't like it at work: tough shit. One thing I've sworn I will not do is miss out on my daughter's life for a job--even a good job that I enjoy. In the end, there will be other jobs, but I'll never get back moments that I miss with my daughter, so I don't want to miss any of them.

Trapped

"Do you ever feel, well, trapped?" my wife asked me the other day.

She has these moments sometimes when she thinks I'm going to leave her and the baby. Chalk it up to hormones and the fact that she read in some magazine that men are more likely to cheat in the first year after a baby--something about feeling ignored. I think men that do that aren't men, they are little boys. I'm not a little boy.

Still, the subject comes up from time-to-time. It's not just her, either. One of her close friends didn't want to hire a young nanny because she was afraid her husband would end up running off with the nanny. Must be something in the new mommy water.

So when she brings it up, I tell her I don't feel trapped. Which is absolutely true. I don't feel trapped. In the interest of full disclosure though, the truth is, sometimes I do feel overwhelmed.

Babies not only are an incredible responsibility, they take up an inordinate amount of time, changing diapers, feedings, playtime, doing baby laundry, washing bottles, etc. I certainly have less time in my life for myself and my wife than I did before. And then there are the stresses that come from the unknown: when does "spitting up" become vomiting, why won't the baby stop crying, that sort of thing. I worry about BG a lot, not because anything is wrong with her--by all reports she's a happy, healthy, normal baby. But I've never done this before and not knowing all the answers can drive a guy like me nuts.

I'm an educated fellow. I have a graduate degree and when it comes to my career or life in general, I've always felt pretty in-control. I thought that would be the same with the baby. But that's simply not true. I am no longer in control of my life: BG is. I don't set my schedule anymore. I don't decide when to work on my pet projects--I squeeze them in while she's napping. And sometimes, when it's the end of a long day, and BG is tired and cranky, and I'm tired and cranky, and she cries and can't be consoled, I do feel overwhelmed.

In spite of that, I've never once thought of leaving my wife or my baby. I have, however, contemplated allowing my mother-in-law to come for an extended visit and help out. Maybe that's what she meant by "trapped".